Since the EMDR over the winter I have been going to regular therapy sessions. I have also learned tools to help avoid seizure activity. That being said, the seizures have not gone away completely. Since February I’ve had and average of 5 seizures a month. Over the summer my therapist and I both think there are some issues that are still “stuck”. Next week we will be started more EMDR around one in particular. I know my therapist is sharing this with people learning EMDR so I will make this post more clinical than personal. I do what my experience to be a tool for others.
The following is what happened during my last session of EMDR. Typically my therapist would stop every once in a while and we would talk about what I am seeing. This time I kept asking her to keep going. It’s about 40 minutes of almost uninterrupted EMDR. I hesitate to post it because it is so incredibly personal, it is like walking down Main street naked! but I think it is important to share.
I keep careful track of my seizure activity. Last year I had on average 12.5 seizures a month. This month I finished the EMDR and I had 4. Of those 4, I know at least 2 of those I intentionally ignored surfacing emotions and could have been avoided. I would encourage anyone who has Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, is a trauma survivor or is recovering memories to try EMDR. I gained in about 10 weeks what should have taken years of painful flashbacks. I gained in one session, the answer and resolution I was looking for, but could have never told myself. I am much more in touch in my emotions and in control of my seizures. From here I expect them to continue to decrease.
After my last post I went into a deep depression. My life did not make sense to me any more. The thoughtless evil made no sense. I lost my purpose. I am back on track after this experience, my purpose has been renewed and made clear. It doesn’t make life easier, but it gives it meaning, and a reason to live. The EMDR gave me what I needed to see to integrate this trauma into it’s correct place in the timeline of my history. It still saddens me. I still cry, but I am not living in the past anymore. I am waking up to the present. It does not feel too heavy to bare.
The entire session I am having a conversation with a being who I believe to be my spirit guide or angel. Some may say I was just talking with myself, I highly doubt that. “Angel” as I call him, has a name but for now I’ll just refer to him as Angel.Read More
I was sexually assaulted. What you have to understand is that this wasn’t some creep in a back ally who I never saw again. I wasn’t somewhere I wasn’t suppose to be wearing something I shouldn’t have been wearing. I was seven, in a jean jumper, at my birthday party. The man who hurt me, was my piano teacher and a family friend. He broke my trust; he broke love for me, and I have been terrified of it ever since.
I was recently watching the karate kid with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan (two great actors). The two fill a hole in each other’s life, one needs a father figure, and one needs love and family. Of course, they go on to fulfill these requirements. All I could think is, this kid is being really stupid trusting this guy who he doesn’t really know. I thought, if I were the karate kid, if this were my life: just as he was getting good at karate and finding a mentor in Jackie Chan – he would have been physically and sexually assaulted by his mentor and spent the next 21 years struggling with depression and anxiety eventually becoming disabled from psychogenic seizures. That’s not a very good movie, I think.Read More
Over the last month I have been under going EMDR therapy. I was terribly nervous to start it. Although my therapist assured me this would be beneficial, the thought of re-living traumatic experiences did not sound appealing to say the least. I didn’t even remember what had happened and part of me just wanted to leave the memories were they were, buried deep, where I didn’t have to deal with them. There was even a chance it wouldn’t work, although my therapist assured me if that happened it was only because my brain and body wasn’t ready to deal, which would be ok too. I think with these things, timing can be everything.
As I understand it, EMDR is a therapy mostly used for people with PTSD. It works by stimulating the right and left side of the brain and effectively “re-wiring” it, so that traumatic memories can be re-internalized as experience without the emotional and/or physical damage it was previously causing.Read More
Something I discovered was a trigger for me was the fact that I am an Empath (derived from “empathy” or “empathize”). Beginning to understand empathic ability has helped me function better around people and have less seizures. An Empath or someone who is an Intuitive Empath is a person who can feel other people’s emotions. Sounds like Science Fiction but everyone has this ability on some level. Some people just have it more strongly. This can be confusing and overwhelming. It is often the cause of anxiety and depression. Empaths feel other peoples emotions as their own at first, but with practice can begin to differentiate between their emotions, and someone else’s. This is a good test to see if you may be Empathic.Read More
Here is a couple interesting articles linking childhood abuse to PNES from Psychosomatic Medicine Journal of BioBehavioral Medicine